Recently, I had to counsel a friend about her relationship. It is sad how easily people can be tricked into believing that the other person is telling the truth. This is especially true if you are in a relationship. You want to believe that your boyfriend or girlfriend is telling the truth. But I realize that these days people need to be more discerning than ever to sieve out the truth from the lies.
One way is to compare their words and their actions. If they are in sync then probably they are telling the truth. But more than words, they must act the way they talk. Action speaks louder than words- "You are only as good as your word. People who do not keep their word are not much good."-Robert Kioyosaki. As motivational speakers say, "you must walk the talk".
Some people will do anything to get what they want. They have no scruples at all. It does not matter to them that they will hurt people along the way. So, we need to be careful of the "wolf in sheepskin".
I had to help this friend at the risk of loosing our friendship because her friends, her family and I felt she will destroy her life by staying with this guy. She repeatedly went back to this guy despite our advice. This guy has used every trick in the book to "CON" her into believing that he is the right man for her. He has abused her and her family, beaten her, taken money from her, spent more time with his friends and gone out on dates with other girls without her knowledge, used vulgarities in every conversation he has had with her and this list goes on. The only reason why he still wanted to fight for the relationship is because the wedding cards were printed and he wanted to save face. Who knows what lies ahead.....one possibility is more abuses and maybe even divorce based on the preceding acts by him in the relationship. Does anybody in the right mind want to take that chance of marrying him?
Thank God, my friend decided she will listen to our advice this time and we even resorted hiding her from this guy and taking her hand phone away so that he cannot contact her. And all of us agreed that she should get out of this horrendous relationship. Finally, after 8 years she has decided to "DUMP" this guy who repeatedly promised to "CHANGE" only to revert back to his old ways and blaming everything on his "TEMPER". His "ANGER" was his excuse for saying nasty things about her family and friends.
If you have a friend in such a relationship, please help them and advice them. If you are in such a relationship ask your friends, family and counselors for help. If you hope that the other person will change, you are only fooling yourself. Marriage and babies do not make people change for the better. You cannot change the spots on a leopard. There is Tamil saying that "a plant that does not bend when it is 5 years old, will not bend when it is 50." Essentially what it means is that, as people grow older the more difficult it is to change. The only time people change is when they themselves decide that they need to change for the better or they doomed. For this to happen, it requires "WILL POWER" which most people lack. They would rather go with the flow.
You need to learn to love yourself first, then you will attract the right kind of person. Everyone deserves a good life. But they can only get it if they take the "Right Action".
You are also better off being by yourself then to be stuck in a relationship that destroys your self esteem and your happiness. Do you really need such a relationship? If you are a truly good person, you will have loving family and truly good friends who will rally around you.
My friendship with my friend is safe. I am glad I could help.
Don't Worry Be Happy! Alls well that ends well.
Cheers,
Mark
5 comments:
Good nuggets of motivation, Shanmugaretnam :)
I have had a personal experience of this kind myself, but I very strongly believe in God. And through God's grace today I and my partner have both changed (we both transgressed against each other in numerous ways) and are very happy together. For us the changed happened when we received God (we were Christians before but had not really received God in to our lives). Lot of people advised us both to write each other off, but there was one person who stood by us and saved us 'God'. I strongly believe that he never writes us off he gives us not one, two but sometimes ten chances and still lovingly helps us up each time we fall until we come to him and let him change us. My experience has thought me that I am as imperfect as my fellow beings and have no right to condemn another one of God's children who he sent with love.
Hi Mark,
I do not agree with you on this. Often well intentioned and well meaning people think they know what is best for other people. But they can often make serious mistakes and destroy other people’s lives. I get a feeling that this might be one of them. It is inappropriate for us to take control of other peoples’ lives without them inviting us to do so. I don’t believe your friend wanted you to take control of her life for her.
For your friend and her boyfriend to be together for 8 years, seems to me that the positive aspects of their relationship would have far out weighted the negative (Any relationship that is over 2-3 years old I believe is a mature relationship which is worthy of saving). What I feel you should have done if you wanted to interfere was to refer them to a counselor. This would have helped them to work through their issues and then given them the opportunity to make a decision on their own on whether they wanted to be together or not. I do not condone the behavior of her boyfriend but have they spoken about it and tried to work it out? Sometimes bad behaviour is a call for attention from the other person and sometimes it maybe a personality disorder. (If this young man cheats on his girlfriend, lies, financially drains her and lacks empathy, he may be having a condition called Narcissistic Personality Disorder which is commonly seen among young men)
Often we want people to change and we say we give them chances all the while unconsciously wanting them to fail just so that we could prove a point. This is exactly what happens when we want another person to change but we sit back and don’t help them and sometimes even test them by throwing challenges at them. As for lying in a relationship I have observed this is always a two way street and often both parties are equally responsible for this behavior although one person may initially have started it. We are all wolves in sheepskin; we all have an evil side that we have to keep in check. Given the right circumstances we are all capable of committing any sin.
I concur with you when you say change is difficult. Difficult, my young friend but not impossible. As I mentioned before for a person to change they also need a conducive environment with love and support.
Addressing your last point, about attracting the right kind of person, it is not who we attract but our ability to maintain a relationship that is important and a good reflection of our stability. People often judge people by the number of marriages they have been in. What if I tell you that every failed relationship equals to a failed marriage, without the legal implications. This is your reflection of your capability of maintain a relationship. So if you have been in 4 failed relationships just think about it as 4 failed marriages in your life. Do you possibly think that the other persons deserve all the blame? Or do you think you too are responsible in some way for this recurring failure? It is often easier to focus on the wrongs of the other person which is less painful than look within ourselves.
Great relationships are made not found. Just as any other task it takes hard work, pain, tears and a lot of love, empathy, forgiveness, tolerance and understanding. I speak with authority over this matter as I have had over 20 years of experience as a relationship counselor.
I am sure you had good intentions when you tried to help your friend, but don’t forget we need to respect other peoples’ intelligence and capability of making decisions for themselves.
Do you know that not only is narcissistic personality disorder common among men but also among almost all left-handed women? Sadly left-handed women are also supposed to be suseptible to autism and a few other personality disorders. It is supposed to be the way their brains are wired compared to right handed women.
Joanne
Very interesting. Left handed women are supposed to have more mental illnesses including personality disorders than right handed women. This they have now found is due to a deformity in their brain wiring which makes them left handed. Somehow left handed men seem to be protected from this. One theory is that the sex hormones in the male may protect them from the adverse effects from being left handed. It is interesting to note that in the olden days people were forced to become right handed if hey were left handed. This maybe because they understood that being left handed meant that the person was 'mentally disturbed'. This is possibly why many left handed women were burned as heretics in those days because of their erratic behaviour which now we understand as personality disorders and mental illnesses. Sadly left handed women are also found to give birth to children who have mental health issues such as autism, ADHD, bipolar, schizophrenia. These women are also found to be artistic and creative, this is the same creativity that we observe in male artists with bipolar disorder & schizophrenia.
Hannah T
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